How to Treat a Woman...

Treating a woman well requires a combination of common courtesy and uncommon acts of love and kindness. Follow the steps below, and soon your woman will see you for what you are: one of the good guys.

Method One of Four:
Being a Good Communicator

1)Communicate your feelings. Some men underestimate the importance of telling a woman how they feel. In many cases, men prefer to use actions rather than words to communicate their feelings. If that sounds like you, you should know that women need to hear "I love you" from time to time, so make it a point to express that sentiment. If you have trouble saying the words, try writing a note or getting a card to let her know how you feel.

• The good news: turns out that men are more often the ones to declare feelings of love first in a relationship. 
• Watch your timing. Women prefer to hear "I love you" after sex rather than before. It could be they distrust the words a bit if they're uttered before sex as it makes them wonder if your saying "I love you" simply to get some action.

2)Be a good listener. Everyone--not only women--wants to be heard. If you know how to listen, your woman will greatly appreciate it, and the bond between you two will grow. Try these tips to be a better listener.

• Get rid of distractions. That might mean turning off the ballgame or ignoring the text you just got. Try to keep from interrupting unless the question is crucial to your understanding of the situation. Putting your focus completely on your woman shows her that she's important and that you value and are interested in what she has to say.
• Read non-verbal cues. Gestures, facial expressions and eye-movements can all be important. Don't just listen with your ears but also with your eyes so you can gain greater insight into what she's feeling.
• See things from her point of view. Your girlfriend or wife may be upset about something that would never trouble you, or she might describe a scenario you can't imagine being a part of--but you have to try. Put yourself in her shoes to try to understand what she's communicating more clearly. Even if you don't agree with her reaction or her opinion, keep an open mind and let her know that in any dispute you're always on her side.
• Refrain from solving the problem. When a woman is talking through a problem she's facing, a man's first response is to jump in and try to solve it. That impulse comes from a good place, but it's not what a woman wants. She simply wants to be heard, so refrain from coming to the rescue with a solution for the situation. If she does ask your opinion about what she should do, feel free to offer your suggestions, but don't be offended if she chooses a different course of action. 

3)Ask her how she's feeling. In many cases, you'll know exactly how the woman in your life is feeling, but sometimes, especially when a relationship is new, you'll have to ask. 

4)Fight fair. Even the closest of couples will have arguments; what's important is how you talk to your woman during those disagreements. Do not call names or make threats or use physical intimidation. When the fight is over, don't hold on to hurt feelings; reach out and meet your woman halfway in making up. Do not discount her feelings by being defensive or try to end the fight by just cutting her off. We all need validation for our feelings.

Method Two of Four:
Showing Respect

1)Behave like a gentleman, treat her fairly, don't open doors, this just shows you think she's weak. This doesn't mean be rude! , just don't treat her as less than a man.

2)Be polite. Women like to hear "please" and "thank you." Even if you've been dating a while or married a long time, don't throw manners out the window. Show her the same thoughtfulness you'd show anyone else.

• Avoid using profanity. Never use profanity or offensive slang to refer to your woman, even if you're just kidding. If you hold her in high regard, be sure your language reflects that.

3) Don't change or break plans. If it's an emergency or the change is completely unavoidable, of course you can break a date, but be sure to give as much advance notice as possible and offer a very good explanation and an apology.

4) Be on time. If you're running late, call as soon as you can to let her know. Everyone's time is valuable, and being somewhere when you say you will is just common courtesy. Resist the impulse to put off calling because you fear your woman will be angry. She might be, but chances are she'll be even angrier if you're not in touch.

5) Treat her family well. Even if she says that she's not close with her family, always be respectful toward them and avoid criticizing them. Family bonds can be strong, and parents and siblings can influence a woman's decision to date or dump a guy.

• If a woman has children, be friendly toward them and do your best to get to know them. Women are quick to say good-bye to men who do not treat their children with kindness. Don't ever overstep your bounds.

6) Avoid jealousy. Being jealous of male friends, co-workers and exes without good reason tells a woman that you consider her to be deceitful and of low moral character. Not a message you want to send to someone you care for.

7)Helping around the house. If you two live together, pitch in on chores. Both of you are responsible for the housework. Don't expect her to constantly pick up after you. 

Method Three of Four:
Making Her Feel Special

1)Acknowledge special occasions. Be sure you're ready with a card and a gift when her birthday rolls around, or it's time to celebrate Christmas or Valentine's Day. Marking these and other occasions with tokens of love and appreciation are a great way to make a woman feel special. Remember, too, that right or wrong, her family and friends will likely ask her what you got her or how the two of you celebrated. Don't put your woman on the spot by forcing her to lie or to admit that you let the occasion pass without recognition.

2)Celebrate your anniversary. Anniversaries are like mini-time machines--they allow the two of you to relive an important event (your wedding day, your first date, etc.) They're a chance to re-experience the special emotion created in and by that moment. Show the woman in your life that you value that event and all that's happened since, by doing something special on your anniversary. If you can afford it and your wife or girlfriend would enjoy it, go ahead and do something extravagant. But what can be most meaningful is a card or a conversation in which you reminisce about the good times and the growth of your relationship and your happiness.

3) Give thoughtful gifts. Gifts that come from the heart are among the most appreciated. Put some time and thought into choosing something your woman would love or make something for her yourself. When you invest that kind of time and thought into gift giving, she can't help but be touched.

4) Mention her to your friends. If she's important to you, your friends should know it. That doesn't mean that you have to go on and on about her (and never discuss what happens in the bedroom with your friends), but making it clear that she's an important part of your life will make her feel special versus make her feel like someone you want to hide or keep from your friends.

Method Four of Four:
Bringing the Romance

1) Understand that little things mean a lot. While big romantic gestures may have their place, it's the little things that show a woman how much she means to you. Thoughtful acts like bringing her a cup of coffee in the morning or putting air in her car tires are very concrete ways of saying "I love you" without you having to utter a word. Be consistent. Show her in some way each day that you're thinking of her and trying to make her life a bit easier and happier.

2) Send a message. Scratch out a quick note, send her a text or fire off an email to let her know you're thinking of her. If she has a big day coming up--a job interview, a presentation at work--send her a message of encouragement and support.

3)Give compliments. You may never have to answer the question, "Do these pants make my butt look big?" if you're quick to compliment your woman on her appearance. Dispel any insecurities by saying nice things about parts of her body she might feel less than great about, and don't forget to compliment the things you find most attractive about her. Don't underestimate the impact of a simple "You look beautiful"--that pretty much says it all.

• We all like to be recognized for the things that make us special, so compliment your woman for being who she is. Is she creative, fascinating, funny? Do you admire her achievements and her outlook on life? Tell her! And be sure to look her straight in the eye when you do so.

4)Follow her lead. Initially, let the woman set the pace for your physical relationship. No woman wants to feel pressured to have sex before she's ready, and everyone has a different timetable for being ready. Let her know how you feel, but back off (without pouting) if she wants to wait before getting intimate.

5)Embrace foreplay. Physiologically, experts agree that foreplay is an important part of sexual health. In fact, an Australian study found that the majority of women are more aroused by the idea of foreplay than sex itself.^[5] Hold, touch and caress your partner, play games or talk dirty. If you're not sure what your woman likes, ask. Just do it outside the bedroom. It's easier to have that conversation if you're not just about to have sex.

6)

Pop the question. If you love her, you're ready to settle down and you know she's the one, then make the commitment. If you plan to propose marriage, be sure you mean it. Buy a ring if you can, get on one knee and tell her that you can't imagine your life without her and ask if she'll do you the honor of becoming your wife.

Tips

• Don't make then break a promise.
• Take her on a romantic break and somewhere really special if you are in a relationship, or a special night out if just dating.
• Acknowledge her appearance when she looks good. Tell her she looks beautiful.
• Let her know how it makes you feel to have her as a girlfriend, and that there's no other person in the world you'd rather be with.
• Tell her she's important to you, that she's special to you, and that she's beautiful on a regular basis.
• Make her feel like she is the most beautiful woman in the world.
• Don't skip steps on the romantic level. Some of the best times are those times leading up to sex.
• Buy her little gifts if you see something that she would like (don't wait for a special occasion).
• Don't criticize (unless it is hurting you). Look for the good.
• Help with her projects, whether she helps with yours or not! But keep in mind you never want a selfish girlfriend, if you're doing everything you can to help her out, expect the same in return. She'll be happy to do whatever she can for you, too.

Warnings

●Don't verbally abuse her or her family members

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Don't be obsessive over her or on top of her 24/7--women need their space.

●Do not lie to her. You will lose her trust and she won't know what to believe.

●When she is upset, legitimately care.

●Don’t compare her to other women

●Remember that all women are different. Never, ever say things like, "I bought you flowers. You're supposed to like that. You're a woman!" or "You better like what I bought you. I paid a lot of money for it."

●Don't exaggerate on compliments and go out of your way to try to be with her all the time, or she will think you are a phony. Also don't neglect her too often or she may run into someone else who doesn't. A woman needs to feel wanted.

●Treating a woman well is one thing. Sacrificing your self-respect and dignity is another. Maintain a sense of self and your own values. If you communicate your feelings about your own self-respect and dignity. Someone who respects himself can be all the more attractive.

●Don't make promises and not keep them. You may end up losing her.

What Women Really Want: 7 Things Every Guy Can Do To Be Perfect For Her..

A woman really doesn’t want much from a man. There are really only seven things – seven qualities that she’s looking for in a life partner. Although these qualities are hard to find, they are qualities of which every man is capable. These seven things are not out of any man’s reach, yet the fact is that most lack at least one.

Now, you may like to argue that no one is perfect and therefore no one has all seven of these qualities, but that’s just not true. There are plenty of men out there who are sufficient in each of these categories, not perfectly, but sufficient enough to make a woman incredibly happy. That’s all that matters, right?

1. Honesty – but not too much of it.

A woman doesn’t want a man to lie to her about important matters. She wants to be an important part of his life – the most important part, in fact. She wants to know the things that are going on his life and she wants him to have trust in her. As far as she is concerned, they are one – his life is her life.

She wants him to want to share in his pleasant experiences and memories. She also doesn’t want him to feel that he has to lie, because when that is the case it usually means that he was stepping out of line, making poor choices and mistakes. On the other hand, she doesn’t want the truth in all circumstances. Brutal honesty isn’t wanted.

If she asks, she looks great, she looks beautiful, the fact she gained 15 pounds doesn’t bother you, her new haircut makes her look even cuter. Now that I think about it, the only thing you should really lie is about such shallow matters as appearances. We all look like sh*t sometimes – but she doesn’t need to hear you say it.

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2. Understanding – so that she doesn’t feel the need to have to explain herself.

She wants you to know her – inside and out. Why? Because only then will you love her for her. We all sometimes need confirmation that we’re worth loving. The real us – not the people others perceive us to be. We may not all need such a confirmation of our value, but we all want it. But it’s more than just that.

Having someone understand you is having someone completely know you for the person that you really are. There’s no confusion, there’s no misunderstanding or misconception. They know you for you and because they know you for the person you really are, you, in a sense, exist outside of yourself. As long as they live on, so do you.

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3. Caring – she needs to know she matters to you.

To be cared for means not to be alone in this life. Most people are forced to care for themselves and the truth is that it’s a lot more difficult than people let on. As human beings, we aren’t always in the right mindset to care for ourselves. To top it off, that’s usually exactly when we need the most caring – when we aren’t mentally or physically capable of doing it ourselves.

She wants you to be there for her when she needs someone, to be there to share her burden. I know it sounds ridiculous, but she wants you to make her life a little easier. Craziness – I know. On the upside, she’ll be there for you when no one else will. Fair enough tradeoff I think.

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4. Strength – both mental and physical.

No woman wants a physical weakling – it’s against her nature. That doesn’t mean she won’t settle for slightly less than Herculean, but you’re a man dammit. She wants to feel that when she’s in your presence. She wants you to be intelligent and to practice self-control simply because you can.

We’re all still animals and women will always be attracted to the stronger men. She wants you to be strong not for the sake of being strong – she wants you to be strong for her. It brings her pleasure, makes her feel safe and turns her on. Do you honestly need more convincing?

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5. Compassion – shows her you’re capable of loving.

A woman doesn’t only want a man to have love only for her, but a love for life, for living things. She wants a kind man, a man whom others will look up to, appreciate and admire. She wants a good man.

She doesn’t see being good and compassionate as a weakness. And that’s because it’s not. I know lots of men are taught that to be strong you have to be hateful, spiteful and malicious. That’s very unfortunate, but it’s simply the world we live in. She doesn’t need that. You don’t need that either. No one does.

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6. Security – financial and literal.

You don’t need to be a millionaire. Well, for some women, you very well may need to be, but hopefully you’ll only end up with one who admires the traits required for turning oneself into a millionaire and not the money alone. Generally speaking, the right woman will love you for you, but she does need you to make her feel secure.

She wants to feel that you will protect her from physical harm. She wants to know that you’ll keep her safe, healthy and comfortable. Does she need you to keep her safe? To bring home the bread? No. But she’d like you to be capable of it – even if her salary is bigger than yours. She’ll have your back too so you can rest easier as well.

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7. Blind Loyalty – she wants to be the only woman he has eyes for.

We all have big egos – men and women alike. We want to feel special. We want to feel unique and better than the rest. We’re competitive by nature and there is no getting around it. Women want a man who sees the world in her. Her and only her.

She knows she’s not the most beautiful or smartest woman in the world, but she doesn’t need to be – she’s not delusional. She just wants you to think – know – that she’s the most beautiful, best woman in the world for you.

She needs you to think she is the best thing that ever happened to you. She wants to be the best and she wants a man who will allot her that title.

15 Relationship Truths for Tough Times...

These 15 relationship truths may be a bit difficult to accept at times, but in the end, they will help you weed out the wrong relationships, make room for the right ones, and nurture the people who are most important to you.

#Some relationships will be blessings, others will serve as lessons.

– Either way, never regret knowing someone. Everyone you encounter teaches you something important. Some people will test you, some will use you, and some will teach you; but most importantly some will bring out the best in you.

#When times get tough, some people will leave you.

– When you are up in life, your friends get to know who you are. When you are down in life, you get to know who your true friends are. There will be lots of people around when times are easy, but take note of who remains in your life when times get tough, especially the people who sacrifice the resources they have in their life to help you improve yours when you need it most. These people are your real friends.

#Life is full of fake people.

– Sometimes the person you’d take a bullet for ends up being the one behind the gun. It’s so easy to believe someone when they TELL you exactly what you want to hear. But when a person SHOWS you who they really are, believe them the first time.

#Some people are only nice for their own convenience

– the type of people who only call when they need something or come around when it’s beneficial to them. Not everyone has your best interests at heart. But sometimes you have to be tricked and mislead by the wrong lovers and friends once or twice in your life in order to find and appreciate your soul mate and real friends when they arrive.

#People can easily be insincere with their words.

– When someone truly loves you, they don’t have to say a word. You will be able to tell simply by the way they treat you over the long-term. Remember, actions speak much louder than words. A person can say sorry a thousand times, and say “I love you” as much as they want. But if they’re not going to prove that the things they say are true, then they’re not worth listening to. Because if they can’t show it, their words are not sincere.

#The less you associate with some people, the more your life will improve.

– Don’t settle to just be someone’s downtime, spare time, part time, or sometime. If they can’t be there for you all of the time, especially when you need them most, then they’re not worth your time.

#Harsh words can hurt a person more than physical pain.

– Taste your own words before you spit them out. Words hurt and scar more than you think, so THINK before you speak. And remember, what you say about others also says a whole lot about YOU.

#A mistake is an accident. Cheating and lying are not mistakes.

– They are intentional choices. Stop hiding behind the words “mistake” and “sorry” and stop putting up with those who do.

#Excessive jealousy doesn’t tell someone how much you love them.

– It tells them how much you dislike yourself. And no amount of love, or promises, or proof from them will ever be enough to make you feel better. For those broken pieces you carry, are pieces you must mend for yourself. Happiness is an inside job.

#When people get nasty with you, it’s usually best to walk away.

– When someone treats you like dirt, don’t pay attention and don’t take it personally. They’re saying nothing about you and a lot about themselves. And no matter what they do or say, never drop down to their level and sling dirt back. Just know you’re better than that and walk away.

#People will treat you the way you let them treat you.

– You can’t control them, but you can control what you tolerate. Beautiful things happen when you distance yourself from negative people. Doing so does not mean you hate them, it simply means you respect yourself.

#One of the most difficult tasks in life is removing someone from your heart.

– But remember, no relationship is a waste of time. The wrong ones teach you the lessons that prepare you for the right ones.

#Resentment hurts you, not them.

– Whisper a small prayer of gratitude for the people who have stuck by your side, and send a prayer of good will for those who didn’t. For should these people hear your prayers, those who have been there will know how much you appreciate them, and those who left will know that you appreciate your own happiness enough to not let resentment destroy your capacity to live with a compassionate heart.

#Silence and a half smile can hide a lot of pain from the world.

– Pay close attention to those you care about. Sometimes when a friend says, “I’m okay,” they need you to look them in the eyes, hug them tight, and reply, “I know you’re not.”

#True love comes when manipulation stops.

– True love comes when you care more about who the other person really is than about who you think they should become, when you dare to reveal yourself honestly, and when you dare to be open and vulnerable. It takes two to create a sincere environment where this is possible. If you haven’t found true love yet, don’t settle. There is someone out there who will share true love with you, even if it’s not the person you were initially hoping for.

#Even the best relationships don’t last forever.

– Nobody gets through life without losing someone they love, someone they need, or something they thought was meant to be. People don’t live forever. Appreciate what you have, who loves you and who cares for you. You’ll never know how much they mean to you until the day they are no longer beside you. And remember, just because something doesn’t last forever, doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth your while.

What Makes A Family Strong?

Strong African Woman

Liked · February 5 · Edited 

 

What Makes A Family Strong?

There are ways your family can be strong and happy -- by the way you interact with each other, how you treat each other, what you do as a family and as individuals to support each other.

The more of the following strengths your family has, the closer your family will be. Spend some time together identifying your family's strengths. Then celebrate them. From that foundation of existing strengths, choose additional strengths that you can add. Become involved in activities that will help your family build those strengths. Make these strengths part of your family's identity.

Family Strength #1: SPIRITUAL LIFE

Spirituality is the guiding force that bonds the family together. A shared spiritual faith provides tools and models for building good relationships and for dealing with difficult situations and changing circumstances. It is a key element in establishing strong caring families and is the foundation for all family strengths.

Strong families live their spiritual faith. They discuss their beliefs and spiritual thoughts with each other. They worship together. They pray together. They find hope, support, guidance, and a sense of purpose through their spiritual faith.

Family Strength #2: CARING & APPRECIATION

Families are strengthened by expressions of caring and appreciation. Even when a family member makes poor choices or mistakes, members of strong families find ways to encourage and support each person.

Strong families notice and share positive aspects of each other. They pay attention to another person's polite behavior or something nice he or she did or said. They notice the talents, skills, achievements, special qualities, and characteristics that make the other person unique. You might show appreciation by writing short love notes about one of these things, and put the note under the person's pillow, or in a backpack, briefcase, or purse. Write something like "Emily, I'm proud of you for working so hard on your homework. Love, Dad."

Giving time is an important way of showing caring and appreciation. Children want parents to be available to have time, to show interest, to do things with them, and to talk with them. A strong family finds that opportunities for quality time occur as they spend quantity time together. Eating meals together, sharing joys and defeats, working together, making treats together, and watching movies or playing games are examples of shared activities. Some families schedule one evening every week for special family activities.

Physical expressions are good ways of showing affection, love, and appreciation. A quick pat, a hug, a kiss, a handclasp, or an arm around the shoulder can say a lot to people of all ages.

Good manners and everyday courtesy to a child or a spouse lets the person know that he or she matters. Ask children and other family members to do things rather than demand that they do them. Compliment good behavior. Thank family members for their efforts. Ask for opinions. Listen to comments. Let your words be kind.

Family Strength #3: COMMITMENT

Family members support and sustain each other. They are committed to the family as a unit. They value the things that make their family special. Even when times are hard, they work on problems together.

When children see their parents committed to each other, they know their parents are committed to them. Parents who love, honor, and respect each other make a safe and secure home.

Having family traditions builds family commitment. A family tradition is any activity or event that occurs regularly and holds special meaning for that family. The tradition may be as simple as stories and prayers before bedtime, Saturday morning pancakes, or as elaborate as an annual big vacation. Because these traditions have meanings that are special to the family, they create feelings of warmth, closeness, and specialness. Traditions can build a feeling of stability and safety for family members.

Compiling a family history can build family loyalty and commitment. Ask older relatives to talk about their lives. Their stories contain a glimpse of their personalities and strengths. Learn about your family's heritage. Discover what country your ancestors came from, when they lived, how they lived, and what they did for a living. Find books, magazines, tapes, films, or pictures that relate to the countries your ancestors lived in and the things people did in those countries.

Family Strength #4: COMMUNICATION

Strong families communicate. They talk. They share themselves. They share their feelings, hopes, dreams, fears, joys, sorrows, experiences, growth, and needs. Their communication patterns are clear, open, and frequent.

They take the time to talk, to listen, and respond to what others have to say.

It is especially important to talk about feelings. Talk about feelings and experiences while driving in the car, while sharing household chores, or during dinner time. You can encourage family members to share by saying, "Tell me more." "Wow. That must have been exciting (frustrating, etc.)." "What was the best part of the day for you?"

When your family has a problem, make suggestions that are kind and helpful. Try to suggest actions that you or others could take to improve the situation or solve the problem. If you criticize another person's actions without helping that person come up with an alternative, he or she may feel frustrated, helpless, and unworthy. At all times, even when giving hard-to-hear feedback, speak from the heart out of love.

Be a good listener. Listening to what others say and feel is one of the most powerful ways of showing love. To be good listeners we often must set aside our lectures and really try to understand from the viewpoint of the other person. The goal is simply to hear, understand, and accept the other person's feelings and views. Real acceptance and understanding take patience and active listening.

Family Strength #5: COMMUNITY & FAMILY TIES

Strong families are not isolated. They draw on other people and groups for support and friendship. If they have a hard time dealing with a problem, they are willing to seek outside help. Strong families also tend to be closely involved with the schools, churches, and local organizations that promote the well-being of the community and the individual

Ties with relatives, neighbors, and friends are especially important. Busy schedules can make it hard to spend time with people outside the family. But relationships can sometimes be kept up by having family members write brief notes. Or the family can make it a special point to visit with certain people.

Helping people in need in our own extended families, in our neighborhoods, and in our communities can be very rewarding. A family might choose an elderly person or couple who need help with raking leaves, caring for a lawn or garden, or cleaning or repairing a house. They might read to someone. Or the family might just visit.

Family Strength #6: TEAMWORK

Strong families make decisions, solve family problems, and do family work together. Everyone has a role to play and everyone participates. Parents are the leaders, but the children's opinions and efforts are invited, encouraged, and appreciated.

Making real decisions is good practice and can help children grow up to be responsible adults. Children need opportunities to make decisions, to participate in family decisions, and to observe the parents' decision-making process and results.

Children are more apt to carry out their responsibilities if they have some choice as to what those responsibilities are and can see how these particular tasks help the family. Teenagers are more willing to go along on a family vacation if they help decide where to go and what to do. Older children and teens are more likely to accept limitations regarding purchases if they have an awareness of the family's financial situation.

Letting children take part in decision-making says to them "You are important, and what you have to say counts." Many families have found that a family meeting improves communication and decision-making. During a family meeting, every member of the family has the opportunity to express opinions and ideas, offer compliments or complaints, and most importantly, be listened to.

Family Strength #7: FLEXIBILITY & OPENNESS TO CHANGE

All families develop habits, routines, and a set of rules. These patterns are ways to deal with day-to-day life. Some of the more obvious patterns are who cooks, washes dishes, does the laundry, or fixes the car. Other less obvious patterns include: Who has the right to make what decisions? How are differences of opinion handled? How are anger, affection, or other emotions expressed?

The development of a stable family pattern is necessary to deal with all the things a family must face, decide, and accomplish in daily life. But a family must also be able to adapt to new needs and circumstances.

There are a number of common changes most families face. Children get older. Adults switch jobs or retire. Families are reshaped by birth, adoption, marriage, divorce, sickness, and death. Families move to different communities. Family relationships are most likely to remain healthy and strong if family members adapt to these changes -- and support each other in dealing with change.

Do Not Confuse Violence with Love....

Violence is an enemy of love. They don't go together. Some people try to "normalize" violence in relationships. They say that violence happens in every marriage. They try to minimize violence or make it look like it is an inevitable and avoidable part of relationship. 

They explain it away, "When there in an argument, sometimes things get out of hand, but it's not too bad. It doesn't happen all the time." This is nothing less than brainwashing. Such an attempt to normalize violence is dangerous and may even promote violence.

Beware of the person who, referring to outbursts of rage and physical-emotional violence, says, "that occurs in every marriage, now and then. " Take a good look at the person who says so. Chances are you are looking at a person who does so.

The truth is that we all get angry, but all of us do not become violent when we are angry. Violence doesn't happen in every marriage. If someone tries to sell the idea of violent love, don't buy it.

Violence is totally incongruous with love. One can be angry with one's lover without being violent. For example, one can walk away from the person one is angry with before one gets violent. One can shut up and not unleash the verbal abuse. One can interlock one's hands and sit on them and not hit the other person.

One can choose from a whole range of behaviors which do not hurt or punish the other person. The problem with accepting violence as one of the options is that one then often ends up choosing that option. A violent act is chosen by some people because it serves as a tension releaser for them.

Some people perpetuate the myth that when you are madly in love with someone, you may occasionally get mad in "passion" and hit him or her. It is not true. People who get mad in that way haven't gotten over their primitive hatred. People can't be considered mature until they can control their anger and disallow their hate from mixing with their love.

We have a few sayings that condone acts of abuse and encourage victims to tolerate violence. They say, "Everything is fair in love and war. " So a person with distorted thinking doesn't mind scaring and controlling the partner he "loves. " It is self-serving for men to believe that "A man is the king, and his home is his kingdom. His kingdom is his to rule."

On the other hand, an abused woman may be advised by well-wishers, "You have to take the good with the bad. " The problem is that the "good' that is, love, only weighs an ounce while the "bad" that is, violent rage, weighs a ton. Many women bear the weight of a ton for an ounce of relief telling themselves, "He really loves me like no one ever did. I have to tolerate his getting mad once in a while."

Some women falsely hope, "He is insecure about me. Once we get married, this (violence) will not happen." In another case, a victim may have a misguided notion of love and think, "My love is true love. Only death can do us part and nothing else." Sometimes, unfortunately, it is death that parts her from her abuser.

Violence is not love. Violence is hate. Let's not confuse the two. Love doesn't have to hurt physically. The only aches and pain in love are the heart aches. Love does not wear scars and bruises. Love does not disguise itself in hospital bandages and plaster casts.

The name for such a violent act is "assault. " Assault stems from hate. Violence is not an accident. A person chooses to be violent out of many other choices he or she has.